CEO speech on Current Economic Times and Company Performance

Dear Employees and Shareholders,

We are in a very extenuating business environment as you all know. CorporatePoodle is doing very good even though the media has reported 90% loss of income for CorporatePoodle Inc. This is all preposterous. My accountants have reassured the board that this estimate by the media is atleast a 1 % exaggeration. So I wanted to share this encouraging news with you all.

I am not a CEO who frets on the past. I move forward in to the future. I want to move into the future with all of you. Well! not all of you I guess since we have decided as a company to lay off our 90% of our employees. Please do not get discouraged. Those who get laid off will still contribute to our company's success as we will be leaner (By the way I also joined a weight loss program to get leaner 'wink') and more efficient.

For those who will stay with us will have the opportunity to show their best performance by sharing the workload of those 90% who are contributing by not being around. It is a win-win situation for all of us.

In addition I am hiring a new assistant to the team of ten assistants in my office so I can share my workload and have some time to contemplate our future at the Golf Club.

I know you all have several questions and concerns and it is my duty to answer them. We have a suggestion and comments box in which you can put your questions and comments. I assure you I will look at every single one of them.

Pssst.. Hey Johnny, collect the boxes after my speech and throw it into the river. The fishes need them more than me.

Ahem ... So we march forward into a bright and pleasant future where CorporatePoodle will rule the world of Business.

Thank you for being here with me :)

CEO SPEECH TRANSCRIPT CONTINUED...

Let me lay out the plan for the future of CORPORATE POODLE. We as a company shall scale new heights. I will authorize my managers to use all means necessary, to make our employees productive. And I must emphasize, we do not consider water boarding a torture.

Our great company which has been called Poodle, Inc will now be called Corporate Poodle, Inc. The reason for this change is because we 'almost won' a court battle with our competitor Poodle Inc regarding a copyright/ Trademark dispute. Some how this company called Poodle Inc established in 1887 thought we copied their name in 2007. I have never heard such a ludicrous complaint. How could someone copy a name in 2007 which was originally established in 1887. Anyhow despite our attorneys working hard, we lost the court battle. And I have fired those ungrateful lawyers on the day of decision.

Anyhow, in departure from our previous stance, we decided to follow the court order at this time. Because disobeying court orders somehow made the courts think that they can ask us for money in the form of fines.

I still have to figure out what does Corporate Poodle Inc does. But I am sure our employees are aware of it and they MUST give their best to do it. Or else.... ( CEO was hushed by his personal secretary at this point)

I do thank the board members for ignoring the 'Microwave Coercion Scandal Committee' recommendations and reinstating me as the CEO. I had several fruitful discussions with all the board members at various golf clubs, resorts, bars and many other interesting venues. These meetings led to firing of the Chairman of the 'Microwave Coercion Scandal Committee' and my reinstatement.

I am so proud to be part of Corporate Poodle Inc, as this is one of the corporation where all decisions made are fair and clear. Where there is no back biting and all committees are given the freedom to decide as they choose.

CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE !

SPEECH BY CEO, CORPORATE POODLE INC

Dear Employees, Share Holders and Board Members

Please do note that I have called above positions in reverse order of importance. I do not want to have any misconceptions about the hierarchy which I revere. I hate to go into the board room to get fired !

Today is a historical moment in the history of Corporate Poodle. Today I shall not only explain the reason for my disappearance from the administration since last August, but also lay out the plan for the future of our great corporation.

Many of the employees have asked me where have I been all these months. Our last microwave meeting was held in August 2007 and without my intervention, it rightfully decided that our employees will not get microwave because of 20 plus reasons.

The board members somehow suspected that I was behind such a "ludicrous decision". So I was placed on a paid leave of absence, while a "Microwave Coercion Scandal Committee" investigated on the matter.

I spent this time at my company provided villa in Maui, Hawaii to ponder on various subjects including how did the board members got so interested in the microwave committee. I found out that few of the affected employees had bypassed my authority and reported the decision of microwave committee directly to board members.

I would love to apologize to those disgruntled employees, but they were laid off yesterday by me due to the tough economic times our company is facing . So I guess apologizing is moot at this time.

I have assured the board members that I shall not interfere in any committees or sub committees decision in any DIRECT manner. But I shall expect all committees to perform their duties and make decisions in favor of the company. And for those who do not know it, I represent the company.....[CLAP CLAP CLAP].........(To be continued)

STAND BY FOR SPECIAL SPEECH BY CEO, CORPORATE POODLE INC

Please stand by for special session speech by the CEO of CORPORATE POODLE. The special speech shall be telecast live to all company branches, all over the world. Our CEO has decided to resume threatening language and third degree verbal torture for all employees. This historical speech shall signal the resumption of this blog.

Published Results of Microwave Approval Committee

To,
THE CEO
Poodle Inc.

Dear Sir,
We at the 'Microwave Approval Committee' have seriously considered the request by some employees for a microwave. After much deliberation, following conclusions were drawn:

1) The request for microwave has been summarily rejected as form 1000HRTr did not accompany the application for the microwave. (also refer to (2))

2) The requirement for form 1000HRTr was made mandatory during this meeting by change in bylaw.

3) Form 1000HRTr will be filled for each employee who will have access to the microwave.

4) Form 1000HRTr will certify that the employee has at least 1000+ hours of safe use of microwave training prior to making such request.

5) Once approved, all microwaves will have ID badge swipe to open the door. Thus the use of microwave will be restricted to those employees who have filed form 1000HRTr.


I thank everybody who has voiced their opinion in the 'Microwave Approval Committee'.

Truly Yours,

Ikiss it-Clean
Senior President of Operations
Chairman , Microwave Approval Committee.

'Microwave Approval' Committee

Few of our employees in transport department have asked for a microwave for their lunch room. So we have called this high level meeting to decide whether we should provide them with the microwave or not. In the rare event we decide to say yes, then a sub committee will be formed to decide which microwave to buy.

Our CEO has shown concern for our employees and wishes them all the best with their request. He also immediately sent an email to the chair of this committee, explaining how a $20 microwave given to the employees could adversly affect the stock prices of Poodle Inc. The chair has asked me to share this logic with you as it is of utmost importance that stock prices stay on an upward trend.

Once a microwave is placed in the kitchen of a department, our accountants have noted that there can be serious consequences. Each employee on an average eats or drinks two times during the day. Research has shown that presence of a microwave increases the frequency of eating or drinking to three times a day (a 50% increase!). Each employee heats their food for an average of 2 minutes. And since this food is now hot, he takes another one minute to cool it down. Speed of eating is decreased as food is relatively hot and delicious (+2 minutes). Employees tend to seek water or coke after eating hot food more often; adding another one minute of time. This includes going to the fountain, picking a glass, looking into it...and then filling it.

That is a total of six minutes per employee. Now we have ten employees in the department which has requested the microwave. That is 60 minutes of additional time wasted per day and reduced productivity. (Understandably, our CEO used some profanity here which has been deleted) Now that adds up to 365 hours of reduced productivity per year and concerns me as it will reduced our output and revenues. And that can hit our stocks very hard.

"How to Say NO" committee

Welcome to the " How to Say NO" committee. Membes of this committee will suggest new and innovative ways of saying NO, in a positive way. Market Research has shown that a NO which does not sound like a NO, increases customer satisfaction. Not only these unique NO phrases will be used for our customers, we will also use them in the corporation inter-departmentally. Remember we need professional ways of sayin NO at Poodle, Inc. Not to forget the eight inch smile which goes along with each NO. Our CEO and his VPs are on a retreat at Miami. They are discussing other serious issues and will not be joining this meeting. But here is the message from our CEO to give you direction on this meeting while practicing at the Driving range: " A NO which does not sound like a NO is a 'Happy NO'. And Poodle, Inc is all about happiness!! .....Damn F*** Holy Sh** That was an awful shot." Oops ! we didn't mean to release the complete message. Please continue with the meeting.