The only Live Comedy Blog. A Hilarious mockery of corporate policies and policy making!! You can be a part of the show by joining any of these committees. Just click on "comment" and voice your suggestion or concerns. The louder you are, more are the chances you get heard. Or you can choose to just watch these meetings on the sidelines.
Remember, these meetings discuss confidential strategic planning of Corporate Poodle, Inc. SO KEEP IT A SECRET!!!
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
'HOW TO SMILE AT CUSTOMERS' COMMITTEE
The regional VP to chair this committee to find out what is the best way to smile at the customer....a way which would enhance their experience with our company and turn them into loyal customers. AWAITING REGIONAL VP' s OPENING COMMENTS.
14 comments:
Anonymous
said...
Our regional VP is a little bit late to come in...he is playing golf today and made an executive decision to play 25 holes instead of 18 to demonstrate his committment to our company.
While we wait for the VP to come in ..lets talk about some corporate fundamentals of smiling. We need to determine the 'standard length of the smile' measured from one end of the mouth to the other.
VP Marketing: I am pleased to announce an understanding reached between the union and the administration. We will issue a memo making it mandatory for each employee to give a full 8 cm smile to every customer of this company.
Marketing team: What Nonsense!! Our customers do not expect more than 4 cm of smile from our competition. We will give them double the length of smile.
Civil Right Respresentative: Not all smiles have equal value. I think that a variable smile length would better serve our community. This way, customers and employees have a choice as to which smile length they prefer. For example, a customer, should they choose, may request a certain smile length ranging from a minimum of 5 cm (our min. being a whole cm greater that our competition) to our upper limit of 8.5 cm (a new frontier not yet encountered anywhere in regards to smileage). Also, should the customer not have a preference as to the smile length, then the employee will have an opportunity to choose the smile length at which he/she wishes to express happiness to their customer. Remember, when people have choices or pseudo-choices, there is a sense of freedom and happiness.
I would like to graciously end this recommendation with an unheard of 9 cm (somewhat painful, Enzyte-like) smile!!
CEO of Poodle Inc is no different from any other CEO of Blue Chip company. He is passionate about taking Poodle Inc to new heights. He wants to go where no man has gone before. He likes to keep the stock prices of Poodle Inc. up because the only time investors can fire him is when stocks go down.
Our CEO likes freedon of speech as long as it is not used to disagree with him. He likes people to say what they feel...well as long as they do not go against his policy, vision and decisions.
The only thing that can get you fired by the CEO is doing or saying something he doesn't like. If you surely want to be kicked out of the company, all you have to do is disagree with our CEO. This technique has a 100% success rate.
Our CEO strongly believes that Golf and Business go together. No wonder he plays golf every day. The bill directly goes o Poodle Inc accounts department. After all! he makes most of his important decisions as he swings during a tee off.
Our CEO knows the importance of taking care of his family. So he likes to bring home an eight figure income before considering bonuses.
Excerpts from the opening speech by the CEO & President, CORPORATE POODLE INC
My fellow employees, Today I am greatly pleased to announce that our company has gone public. Today I am not the owner but i am a stockholder. Today we are not small business ....we are a corporation. (Clap!Clap!Clap!)
I have a vision for this company....a corporate vision....a vision with which we can go beyond where no corporation has gone before. (Clap!Clap!Clap!)
And we shall achieve this with the help of policies. These policies will be thoroughly discussed and put in place by committees and subcommittes I will form.
And this policy is mother of all policies. (Clap! Clap! Clap!)
14 comments:
Our regional VP is a little bit late to come in...he is playing golf today and made an executive decision to play 25 holes instead of 18 to demonstrate his committment to our company.
...and ofcourse he said it with a big smile on his face...consistent with the goals of this meeting.
While we wait for the VP to come in ..lets talk about some corporate fundamentals of smiling. We need to determine the 'standard length of the smile' measured from one end of the mouth to the other.
Customer relations manager: I think length of the smile should be about 8 cm +/- 1 cm.
Union Member: Well I think that is too much to ask. We can give you about 5cm length of smile per employee...nothing more!!
The negotiator: Well lenggth of the smile is critical to our companies success. 5cm is unacceptable. How about 7cm of smile.
Union Member: We can get our employees to stretch their smiles to 6 cm at the max....unless you want to raise their salaries by 5%
The negotiator: I will give 5% raise but then I need full 8 cm smile.
Union Member (With 8cm smile on his face): Is that OK? What do you think.
VP Marketing: I am pleased to announce an understanding reached between the union and the administration. We will issue a memo making it mandatory for each employee to give a full 8 cm smile to every customer of this company.
HR manager (sheepishly): Sir But Don't you think that big a smile will look like a stupid grin
Marketing team: What Nonsense!! Our customers do not expect more than 4 cm of smile from our competition. We will give them double the length of smile.
(Cheers! Hooray! in the background)
hillarious!
that what all about the co-oporate crap.
let's mixed it in the crap soup and serve it in the meeting.
Civil Right Respresentative:
Not all smiles have equal value. I think that a variable smile length would better serve our community. This way, customers and employees have a choice as to which smile length they prefer. For example, a customer, should they choose, may request a certain smile length ranging from a minimum of 5 cm (our min. being a whole cm greater that our competition) to our upper limit of 8.5 cm (a new frontier not yet encountered anywhere in regards to smileage). Also, should the customer not have a preference as to the smile length, then the employee will have an opportunity to choose the smile length at which he/she wishes to express happiness to their customer. Remember, when people have choices or pseudo-choices, there is a sense of freedom and happiness.
I would like to graciously end this recommendation with an unheard of 9 cm (somewhat painful, Enzyte-like) smile!!
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